Drunk

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

Joe E. Lewis

Nipples

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."

Freddie Starr.

Depression

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
 
 Elaine Boosler

Say it like it is

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."

Eddie Izzard